please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
