broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
