perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
