I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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