i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
