I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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