she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just pynch a tree in the face
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
