Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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