glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
