woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
