I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
