mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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