i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
