All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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