also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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