Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
