he wants to bone in the snuggie
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
