he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
