I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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