Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
