he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
