You made me cry and you don't even care
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize