There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I need a beard to bite.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
