You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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