This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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