Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Randomize
