He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
