I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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