At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
