So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
