maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
