Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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