At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
