Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
