Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize