yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
