Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
