I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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