I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
