look no pants
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
