I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
