I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i permit you to call me
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
