Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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