So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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