sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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