Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
