Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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