Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
how drunk are you?
Several
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
