Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
