just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
