i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Randomize
