Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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