Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize