She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
