The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
