I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
