I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
She bit a glass in half.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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