So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
