If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
