so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I want to fling myself into the sun
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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