You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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