im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
