Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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